Friday, October 11, 2013

Not Forgotten

With all the focus trying to get as much quality one on one time in with baby girl #1, before baby girl #2 arrives, I've realized I haven't put much focus on baby #2.  At least, not in the way I did when pregnant with baby #1.  Every thought was consumed by her.  Who would she be?  What would she look like?  Act like?

In the midst of all this, and trying to spend more mental time devoted to the one who kicks my belly from the inside - and not the outside during diaper changes (ouch!), I've caught myself thinking even more about those that everyone else forgets.  The ones that never made it.

As a "loss mama", it's a hard thing to get past and I've read many a blog post to know I'm not alone.  However, to the rest of the world, especially those who don't belong to the club that no one asks for membership to, these babies are simply forgotten.  They didn't exist.


Which, if you've experienced it, you know is not true.

These babies did exist.  If for even just 12 weeks.  Or 5 weeks.  8 weeks.  24 weeks.  32 weeks.  40 weeks.  They were real.  The heartbeats real.  The trauma of losing them, real.  Physically of course, but even more so mentally.

I know the person I was pre-loss never understood from where I stand now.  And now that I'm here, I only can offer a hug and shoulder to those that join me in this club.  It's all that needed.  No words will fix it, and more often than not, they just make it worse.

It is true, that time does heal all wounds. But like any wound that cuts so deeply, you are forever scarred.  Scarred from fully enjoying a pregnancy through the bliss a woman should.  Scarred from knowing that tomorrow may never come and that all the extra hugs and kisses given will still never be enough.  The gratefulness for having survived it and being blessed enough for another chance, or two.

But still, who were these babies?  What did they look like?  Act like?

Do we only get to know them through the dancing butterflies that visit us and linger close by for what feels like eons and no butterfly should be so interested in us?  Or a dragonfly that stops to rest on your finger.  Do we see these angels in the clouds?  Whispering warmth and comfort to our consciousness when needed most.

While I find myself trying spend more time 'getting to know' this one inside, who, if lucky enough, I get time later to find out when on the outside.  I can't help but wonder about the ones I'll never get a chance.


*****


October is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month.  







20 comments:

  1. I have fortunately not been through this. I have read a lot of stories about loss and I just wanted to say how well written your post is about how you feel right now. I hope time continues to heal you.

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  2. I'm not a loss mama. And I honestly can't imagine. Most of my friends experienced this- and just seeing them talk about it- you can tell they loved that child even if they never met them on the "outside". It breaks my heart.

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  3. Erinn you write so beautifully about this. It feels really good to read your words, because I know them too well. We lost a baby last year. I don't talk about it on my blog, maybe I should. I might be the only person who thinks about it but luckily I have some great girlfriends who understand the sorrow of never getting to know that child and always wondering who they would have been.

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  4. While we struggled to get pregnant and after every failed Ivf treatment I just wished we could get pregnant. But then I had a friend who had no trouble getting pregnant, but unfortunately had trouble keeping the pregnancy. That's when I realized how much worse that would be. The excitement of having a life growing inside of you and having it taken away. I feel for all the mamas who've had this kind of loss.

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  5. This is beautifully written. I too am a loss mama, and even though I have a healthy baby girl, I can't help but wonder who that baby was. Writing about it was one of the hardest, but most rewarding things I ever did.

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  6. Thank you for that post. I am a loss mama, too. It's a terrible grief, one I never understood before I experienced it. It is also such a personal grief and makes me feel very vulnerable, and perhaps thats why I don't feel comfortable prefer not to share about it too often - although I wish there was more awareness of the terrible loss that so many - SO many - suffer. Perhaps then people wouldn't ask questions that can be so painful to hear ("you'd better hurry up and have already, the clock is ticking" - that kind of thing). I do wonder about that baby very often. I was very fortunate to conceive just 3 months after my loss (that baby is now a beautiful 3 year old girl). I know that if that first baby had survived I would never know my beautiful, kind, full of life and love daughter, and I find that thought difficult to reconcile as well. I just wanted to thank you for being so brave and honest with the loss you have suffered. I'm so sorry that you (and all the other loss mamas who are responding) have had to experience it at all.

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  7. Erinn my heart breaks for all the mamas who have had losses like this, I just can't even imagine what this feels like. I have had two very close friends just recently go through this and knowing how to be there for them is so difficult. I loved that you posted about this because these babies should not be forgotten, it is real grief and a real loss, that baby had a heartbeat at 5 weeks, it is so sad the things people say to mamas. My only comfort is knowing they are in the arms of Jesus. I hope you continue to heal mama, thanks again for sharing. Xo!!

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  8. As having a loss myself, I know how hard it is to go through a pregnancy without lot's of fear, and the truth is after a few years have gone by (at least in my case with having an early loss), it doesn't hurt so much, and you don't always think about it, but there are still triggers. Your post made me think about it of course. The first few months were devastating back in 2010 but time does heal most wounds and now I can look back and just wonder what this child may have been like. I'm grateful God blessed us with two more girls after that loss, and I pray for healing for those that are still in the midst of their sadness.

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  9. Very well written post. It's so true, those babies did exist and they will forever be remembered by you and some close to you. Thinking of you this October and of your babies that you didn't get to meet.

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  10. What a beautiful post and so well written. This actually happened to my brother in laws firefighter partner and his wife just a couple weeks ago...at 41 weeks. I didn't even know them but my heart broke for them. You are so strong and amazing.

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  11. What a beautiful post Erinn. This hits home more than you know being a loss mom times 4 (just lost number 4 on Monday) I do remember each of my babies and I love them so much. I often wonder what they would be like and feel just a little bit of sadness when I see a baby that would be their same age. So happy that I have Ellie!

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  12. I've been thinking about writing a similar post, lately. This time of year always gets my reminiscing. Hugs, mama.

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  13. This post made me tear up. I read it while sitting here with my new born baby and reflecting on my own loss.. This is so well written, and only something that could be said by someone who has experienced both the loss and the extreme gratitude and hope that comes with having a viable pregnancy that results in a perfect little baby. Thank you for this post.

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  14. Such a beautiful post and something that always hits home for me. Thinking of you and letting you know I am with you during the times of sorrow but OH so excited for your upcoming chapter!! xo

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  15. This was a great post. I am a "loss mama" as well, but I rarely mention it on my blog. You've inspired me to make a post this year. Thank you for sharing this.

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  16. I don't know if you are familiar with Lithe Method (it's a local Philly and suburbs-based fitness studio) but the owner/founder Lauren posted this last year on her blog regarding babies and loss and it's very touching, as are the comments it received.
    http://www.fithiphealthy.com/fithiphealthy/2012/03/me-on-monday-babies.html

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    1. Thank you for the link! What a great post and she hits the nail on the head, so brave of her to be so open with the experience.

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  17. Thanks for sharing this Erinn...my heart hurts for you and i pray you never have to experience this again. i don't fully understand how this must feel but it sure makes me choked up thinking about what it would be like and what you had to go through. praying for a healthy baby to come after 37 weeks!

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  18. "No words will fix it, and more often than not, they just make it worse. "


    That beautiful line sums up exactly what I couldn't explain to friends who didn't understand why I wanted to keep my experience to myself in the first place. It's a type of grief that can't be divided by sharing it with those that haven't experienced it.

    Thank you for writing this.

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