Wednesday, August 28, 2013

[Girl Moms] On Wednesdays We Wear Pink... to changing outlooks on relationships



Hi! I'm Veronika from Veronika's Blushing and I'm honored to be participating in Erinn's series called "Girl Moms."  I'm choosing to share something very personal because I didn't think I'd ever get to this place and I want to offer hope and encouragement for other women facing a similar issue.

My relationship with my mother was rocky for many, many years.  My parents had a bad marriage and I harbored a lot of resentment towards her because I felt she didn't protect me.  As an adult, I spent years in therapy trying to overcome a lot of these issues and though I was making progress, I never felt like I could have the kind of relationship with my mom that I hoped for because there was still a lot of pain between the two of us. No matter how many emails I wrote and how many times we talked and cried, she could never quite find the words I needed to hear to heal.  

Before I was married or even dating "the one," I always hoped I'd have at least one daughter someday.  I wanted so badly to give my daughter a loving family, a great father and unconditional and abundant love.  When I was pregnant, I was actually convinced the baby was a boy and was downright shocked (and overjoyed!) when the ultrasound tech told us we were having a girl. This was my chance to do things differently. It was my chance to raise a daughter without her having to face a lot the the things I went through as a child. It was my chance to build a relationship with my daughter that I wish I had with my own mom.

The realization that I was having a daughter was indescribable but I struggled a lot during my pregnancy with continued feelings of resentment towards my own mom. As I was growing this precious life inside of me, I imagined my daughter and I kept telling myself "how could my mother or father have done X,Y and Z?... I could never put my child through that."  I was kind of consumed by these thoughts at times and it made me feel stressed about what our relationship would be like after I had Harper. Would I be angrier or more resentful once I became a mother too?

My mom was planning a visit a few weeks after the baby was born because I wanted the first couple of weeks to adjust to our new life and settle into a little bit of a daily routine.  I was worried that my mom and I would argue or otherwise have tension when she was here visiting, but I tried to let those thoughts escape my mind, which wasn't too hard since my focus was basically 100 percent on feeding my baby and changing her diapers.

When she did finally arrive, it was like everything fell into place.  There wasn't the tension or drama I was worried about that happened during every other visit. Just love and caring. We were both so in love with Harper and my mom cared for both of us while she was here.  Seeing how much my mom loved and cared for Harper, and for me, changed everything.  Instead of feeling resentment about the past, I began to have feelings of hope about the future.  I wanted my mom to have a great relationship with my daughter and I thought that maybe through that incredibly special love we both had for Harper, we could also find a way to have a relationship again.




My mom while visiting Harper a few weeks after she was born...




Becoming a mother myself made me have more compassion for the struggles my own mom went through. I developed a little more sympathy and understanding. Though I would still make different choices, I understood why she didn't have the strength to. I also came to understand that this new life we created was a chance for my mom and me to find a way to renew our love for each other, through our love of her.  

Nowadays, since my mom lives in Canada, we FaceTime and text a lot. Even Harper FaceTimes with my mom so that she gets to see her face and hear her voice. You can see a cute little video of their little FaceTime chats here.





Having Harper has been the biggest, most significant blessing I've ever experienced. I'm so glad she brought so much love and happiness to our family and I'm thankful that she also gave me hope that my relationship with my own mother could be mended.  I'm not saying it's perfect or that everything is 100 percent better, but I hope that over time it will continue to improve. I want Harper to see her mom and grandma be close because it's my hope that Harper and I are super close no matter what age she is. That she sees me as not only her mother but as someone who unconditionally loves and supports her, through all of life's ups and downs and everything in between.  Having a daughter changed me and I'm so thankful that God blessed our lives in this special way.

19 comments:

  1. This is such a great series! Thanks for sharing your story, V! I had a difficult childhood but the opposite happened for me, I'm really close with my mom. Certainly there may be different factors that contribute to why that is. I hope that your relationship strengthens over time. Having a daughter has strengthened mine and my mothers bond even more. Something magical about having a daughter... I'm going to eat those words in 12 years! Haha

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    1. thank you for your comment :) I'm glad you had the same experience of getting even closer than you were before.

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  2. Children are a blessing in so many ways and one of the most wonderful ones is the ways they can bring a family together. Holidays at my grandpa's house used to be kind of stuffy and awkward-- until Owen was born! He's really livened everything up and helped everyone relax a bit.

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    1. So glad for your family :) babies are just wonderful!

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  3. Children really can change so much. I'm blessed to have a great relationship with my mom and hope to emulate it with my daughter.

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  4. What a great post Veronika! I read your blog, so when I saw the post about your mom's visit, I was pleased that it seemed like things went well. I'm glad to hear in your words that it did and that you feel as though your relationship is on the road to recovery. I had my first child, a daughter as well, almost a year ago and so I relate to how you feel about Harper. I had a close relationship with my mom and believe the birth of my daughter made it even stronger. I hope your relationship with your mom continues to improve.

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  5. thanks for sharing your story. i feel the same way. my mom and i weren't very close because of the divorce and once i was pregnant and then had my daughter everything changed. we now text daily and it is so nice having the relationship with my mom that i always wanted!

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    1. isn't it great that a new baby can also breathe new life into a relationship? I'm thankful.

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  6. I love this series! What a sweet story Veronika and one of hope and encouragement!

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  7. This is beautiful and gives great hope. I too had a challenging relationship with my mom. We're weren't able to "resolve" all our issues before she passed away but I too have found understanding since having my own little girl. Thank you for sharing!!

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    1. ashley--I'm glad you were able to find some peace :)

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  8. what a wonderful post! thank you for sharing with us :) having my daughter made my bond with my mother much stronger. Just like you said, I now understand a lot of things she has done in the past and I have a whole new level of respect for her :)
    Sara
    Life with Baby Sophia

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    1. sara- I feel the same way :) i don't agree with every choice but I have more compassion now for sure

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  9. Wow. Thank you for writing and then sharing such a deeply personal post Veronika. I empathize in so many ways...but don't know if I have the courage (or maybe I'm just not ready?) to share yet. I love that your Harper has brought so much joy to your world. And my goodness she is getting to be a chunky monkey!! So great! I showed Cooper her photo the other day and he literally smiled. I died :)
    xoxo - Marion

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    1. Aww you are so sweet! Sharing my experience has definitely been part of the healing process but it takes time to be able to really be able to write it all out and hit publish (or in this case have someone else hit publish!).

      Maybe harper and cooper can be baby friends hehe :)

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  10. This is so touching and really hits home for myself as I struggle with my relationship with my own mother from time to time, knowing I am not alone is very comforting. I read a book once that said children do no come with manuals therefore we must be understanding with our parents and understand that they do the best they can with what they know. History tends to repeat itself sometimes, I am glad you are making an effort not to allow it to happen. From what I have seen so far you are an AMAZING mom to Harper,I am sure everything will be fine!!

    xoxo Jess

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