But being completely honest, it's the emotional roller coaster ride that is crazy. For as long as I can remember, I always wanted two or three children - big house, white picket fence, and of course a SUV - no minivans for this momma! The Husband is happily fulfilled with two kiddos and no more, so we will god-willing have our completed family by the end of the year, and that makes my heart swell. Even though my brother and I aren't super tight, I loved having a brother growing up and think having a sibling is important for a child. For the good times and of course the bad times too...
When we first found out we were expecting, we were thrilled with what a surprise it was. As I mentioned before, it wasn't unplanned, but it was a surprise. Especially since bringing Ashlynn into our lives was quite the medical adventure. We felt so lucky that we were getting to be that story that people always throw out there, "Oh well, so and so had so much trouble, and then their next came with ease"... we were getting to be "so and so" and I felt like I had to pinch myself daily and that it possibly couldn't be this easy and it wouldn't last (ah, the mentally of a loss momma... the fear never leaves you).
As the weeks ticked on, and my days continued to revolve around Ashlynn, I started thinking more about her then this life quickly developing. It may have been a way to compartmentalize my anxieties and not allow myself to get attached, but my life revolves around this child who wakes me up in the mornings, rubs her sticky hands all over my shirt, gives open mouth kisses, and random hugs out of the blue. I started thinking about how her life would change and while all these changes will come when she is too young to ever remember this life we have before four, I still can't help but worry.
How will she handle being watched when I'm in labor and go to the hospital... without her. For two days, and hopefully not more. How will she feel when I'm feeding the newborn and she wants to sit in my lap and read a book. Or when its time for bed... or bath... or breakfast, or anything that she's used to and it's being interrupted by a crying sibling. Will she be mad at us... more specifically, mad at me? Will she still know that I love her more than anything and that she's not being replaced?
Of course, at the same time I realize she will quickly adjust to the new life in our house and learn that she can't monopolize our attention 24/7 and of course, that's a lesson we want her to learn. We want her to learn while she is our world, the world does not revolve around here.
As the weeks continue to further pass, I'm finding these worries starting to fade away. I know the adjustment period will go quickly in the scheme of things and in the end it'll all be worth it and all work itself out. I'll figure out who to put in the car first and who gets fed, or changed, or tended to when crying during the night. It won't be rocket science and life will go on without anyone needing therapy... that's what the teenage years are for!
Lastly, I always hear the statement... "your love doesn't divide with two children, your heart doubles". It's a statement at this point, I still can't wrap my head around. I know I will understand when that day comes and I look forward to it
...more so every day.