Tuesday, June 18, 2013

The Honest Truth: The Emotions of Two


The ride I've been taken on being pregnant again is much different from my pregnancies prior to having a child.  Of course there are the physical differences, mainly that I feel less pregnant in terms of sickness and other symptoms and of course look more pregnant in terms of my belly popping much earlier.  

But being completely honest, it's the emotional roller coaster ride that is crazy.  For as long as I can remember, I always wanted two or three children - big house, white picket fence, and of course a SUV - no minivans for this momma!  The Husband is happily fulfilled with two kiddos and no more, so we will god-willing have our completed family by the end of the year, and that makes my heart swell.  Even though my brother and I aren't super tight, I loved having a brother growing up and think having a sibling is important for a child.  For the good times and of course the bad times too... 

When we first found out we were expecting, we were thrilled with what a surprise it was.  As I mentioned before, it wasn't unplanned, but it was a surprise.  Especially since bringing Ashlynn into our lives was quite the medical adventure. We felt so lucky that we were getting to be that story that people always throw out there, "Oh well, so and so had so much trouble, and then their next came with ease"... we were getting to be "so and so" and I felt like I had to pinch myself daily and that it possibly couldn't be this easy and it wouldn't last (ah, the mentally of a loss momma... the fear never leaves you). 

As the weeks ticked on, and my days continued to revolve around Ashlynn, I started thinking more about her then this life quickly developing.  It may have been a way to compartmentalize my anxieties and not allow myself to get attached, but my life revolves around this child who wakes me up in the mornings, rubs her sticky hands all over my shirt, gives open mouth kisses, and random hugs out of the blue.  I started thinking about how her life would change and while all these changes will come when she is too young to ever remember this life we have before four, I still can't help but worry.


How will she handle being watched when I'm in labor and go to the hospital... without her. For two days, and hopefully not more.  How will she feel when I'm feeding the newborn and she wants to sit in my lap and read a book.  Or when its time for bed... or bath... or breakfast, or anything that she's used to and it's being interrupted by a crying sibling.   Will she be mad at us... more specifically, mad at me?  Will she still know that I love her more than anything and that she's not being replaced?

Of course, at the same time I realize she will quickly adjust to the new life in our house and learn that she can't monopolize our attention 24/7 and of course, that's a lesson we want her to learn.  We want her to learn while she is our world, the world does not revolve around here. 


As the weeks continue to further pass, I'm finding these worries starting to fade away.  I know the adjustment period will go quickly in the scheme of things and in the end it'll all be worth it and all work itself out. I'll figure out who to put in the car first and who gets fed, or changed, or tended to when crying during the night.  It won't be rocket science and life will go on without anyone needing therapy... that's what the teenage years are for!

Lastly, I always hear the statement... "your love doesn't divide with two children, your heart doubles".  It's a statement at this point, I still can't wrap my head around.  I know I will understand when that day comes and I look forward to it

...more so every day.  

32 comments:

  1. I grew up in a family of five kids (five kids in 7 years!!). While none of us remember early childhood, whether we were mad at our parents for not giving us individual attention, feeling like we had to share,etc. we DO remember how amazing it was growing up with siblings close in age!! :) Your babies are going to be so LUCKY to not only have loving parents but also each other! Just remember that, it makes childhood so much more fun! XOXO

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    1. Yes! And that's exactly why I'm so excited to be expanding our family at the same time! We can't wait for them to be so close in age and always have each other and share all the memories of their childhood together. Especially since my brother and I were 4.5 yrs apart, so after early childhood, we weren't that close since we were always in different schools. I think it's probably my own adjustment from one to two, rather than Ashlynn's. She's just my world and it's hard to imagine loving someone as much as her, but I know it'll happen!

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  2. Aww what a beautiful post. I shared these sentiments when I was pregnant with #2 (and my son was seven...so I had seven years of just one child, that's a long time to get used to one and having a hard time imagining what it would be like to add to our little family).
    It does all work itself out, though...chaotically/humorously/effortlessly/magically!

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    1. Yes! I can't wait for the chaotic/humorous/effortless/magical moments.. they are what makes life worth living!

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  3. I've been having all of the same thoughts in regard to baby #2. We want Aubrey to have a sibling to share life with, I can't imagine life without my siblings and we're 7&9 years apart! I just don't see how we will ever be able to give the same attention to a second child and it makes me feel guilty. I love that saying and I'm sure once the time comes it will ring true. After all, you never realize how much your heart grows once you have A child.

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    1. Glad to hear I'm not alone in my thoughts!

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  4. Definitely hear you on all of this! I'm due in less than a month with my second. My little girl is two and I already know what an adjustment it will be for all of us. I'm reminding myself that the very beginning stages are going to be a little terrifying and new and strange, but that ALL of us will soon settle into our new routine/new life and it will all seem completely normal - as if it was always meant to be this way.

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    1. I'm so excited you are start your journey as four so soon! I can't imagine what I'll feel like when the due date is closer :) I really think it'll be one of those things I look back on and wonder why I ever was worried in the first place, but was just something to throw out there... glad I did, since it seems I'm not alone!

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  5. I've been reading your blog since you had little A...and shortly after I had my own little girl, who is about to turn 1. And while we've had different journeys, they've been very similar. I am now expecting my #2, I am only 9 weeks (haven't even told our families) and as the weeks start to pass, and my first ultrasound was happy and healthy..it's hard to let go of my fears and anxieties - about pregnancy itself, and the addition of another.. I just wanted to say this post really touched me. Thanks for putting it out there... ~Irene

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    1. Thank you, I'm glad you were able to enjoy it and relate! I was hoping people would understand and not judge or think I'm ungrateful or regretful. We can't wait for Ashlynn to be a big sister, it's just crazy thinking how this life of 3 that we are used to, will change overnight when we become 4.

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  6. Erinn, you always write so honestly and with such heart. Thinking of you and happy for all the exciting things to come. :)

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  7. What an honest post, thank you for sharing. As a mother of one and wanting to expand our family, I struggle with those same thoughts. I'm excited to continue to follow along your journey (and take notes). :)

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    1. Thank you :) Glad to head I'm not alone with my thoughts... just don't take too many notes, or at least the ones where I put the diaper on backwards and pee ends up all over the floor!

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  8. What a beautiful post. I don't have any children but I really love reading about your journey. Please keep us updated and I wish you all the best! Xo

    Mel
    Www.ipinkiloveyou.com

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    1. Thank you so much for your sweet comment. I'm glad you enjoy my posts and reading along :)

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  9. Such a sweet and honest post. We've been talking about what life will be like once we have another baby...it's hard to think about your baby not being the center of everything anymore. I'll be thinking of you and praying this pregnancy and delivery go well for you!

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  10. I very well could have written these exact words myself. I can't help but wonder how I'm going to split my time and my heart between two little ones, whom I want to love so dearly and protect so much. I'm hoping, and I'm sure, that it will all work itself out. You're an awesome mom to little Miss, and I know you'll be just as amazing to Little #2.

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    1. Thank you, and I worry about the same things... I watch my friends with two children and see how easily they adjust and I know we'll do it too!

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  11. I remember these exact worries when pregnant with number two. SO normal, and trust me---it will all work out just fine. But I remember being so worried about Truman and how HIS life would change with a sibling. He's blown us away with how well he has adjusted, of course, but it's still hard to picture another child in the mix. Can't wait to see you guys transition into the world of two kids!

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    1. I loved so much reading your journey this past year with the addition of CC. I really love reading about the dynamic of having two children and the difference between them and just the daily grind.

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  12. Such a wonderful post! Of course, like I've been saying all along, I'm so excited to watch you go through this new stage and to see how you handle it al and how A handles it all. But I agree with some of the comments above that the things we remember most are the memories of growing up with siblings and what a treasure that is! I always think about how many people I want at my Thanksgiving table or around the Christmas tree one day. THAT gets me excited!! xo

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    1. Thanks Natasha! I definitely know in the scheme of things my worries are small potatoes and well adjust before we know it, it's just so hard to picture another person and the ability to give them all I've given to Ashlynn in the last 14 months without it compromising one or the other (if that makes sense). Like I commented above, I think it's more anxiety over me adjusting to having 2 instead of 1 and my ability to divide attention and still love and care for them the same without giving less... I know I'll learn like all the other mommas out there, but it's almost like imaging how life will change before baby (1st) and it just happening seamlessly when you aren't looking!

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  13. Such a wonderful post! Thank you for being so honest. It's so hard to say/write out loud but I am glad you did it. I have the exact same feelings. Though I am not pregnant with #2 yet, I have had the same thoughts. The pros definitely outweigh the cons so now I just have to figure out if its financially possible :) I don't remember anything for when I was that little, so while in the moment, she may seem upset, know she will never ever hold it against you and will love you all the more for giving her a sibling!

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    1. Thank you Liz, and yes, I was a little hesitant to put it out here, I'm glad that so many expecting momma's or mom's thinking about expanding their families can relate to these feelings!

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  14. I had the same exact thoughts when we added more children to our family. How in the world could I possibly love this new child as much as I love the other? I couldn't comprehend how but your heart really does double and triple. I felt so guilty when I got pregnant with Adelle because I felt like I was robbing Ollie of his baby-dom. But everything works out the way it should and of course we do our best to make him feel special and not just the middle child. Thank you for your honest thoughts, we all have them and are here to support one another.

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    1. Thanks Brenda! I love the support of the blogging community and the fact that I can be so open and honest and not get judgemental comments. I can't wait to experience my heart growing, I'm so excited to meet our little one, but it's so hard to imagine having another child we love as much as our first!

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  15. This made me tear up friend, and you know why. Thanks for sharing, and I love, love, love that quote and this post! :)

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    1. I'm glad you liked it :) it's nice reading that a lot of other mom's in this situation or who already welcomed #2 felt this way and I'm not crazy!

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  16. Gosh I wish we lived close by and I could tell you all the things you have to look forward to and all the things that will be a challenge. It's difficult at first, more so than you can imagine because her world will be rocked and she will cry for you sometimes just to get attention away from the new baby. The first months are a blur but once you tackle them you'll feel like you could do this over and over and handle 4 kids even. I know I could but like you, we planned ahead to stop at 2. Which for us was the best choice because I want to afford the two we have everything we can in life, I want to stay at home with them and be able to give them things they need. I wish I could say it all gets easier after those first months, and it does, but then they grow and start pushing each other (happening right now in my living room), but it's SO worth it when you see the love between them! You will be great! So much to look forward to!!

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  17. This is such a wonderful post! I am not even pregnant with #2 yet but these thoughts run through my head already!! I have 2 brothers and we are all close in age and I have no idea how my mom did it but the more the merrier when it comes to family right!? Great post!!

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