Monday, December 12, 2011

Where I've been hibernating....

Oh, where do I even begin...


Writing posts like these can be so difficult and that's why I usually don't do it, because putting (meaningful) feelings (about something other than boots) into words sometimes is virtually impossible.  On one hand, your emotions are wonderful and ecstatic and on the other they are just simply terrifying.  It's also really scary to be so personal on the internet, but I hope it's worth it for those who may be in, been in, or will be in similar shoes.

So I'll rip it off like a bandaid and then maybe try to explain "where I am"... again, if it's possible.














I'm pregnant.



Hold on, let me try that again.... I'M PREGNANT!!!!

....and 17 weeks and 3 days to be exact!




I know, I know. I've been holding out on sharing the news for a LONG time.  Though it may have been obvious from my recent absence, if you remember I also went AWOL last year during my first pregnancy.   That's half of, well most of, the issue.  I know I alluded to it, but I guess I never truly discussed it.  Miscarriage sucks.

To save this from becoming a totally depressing post, because I want to stay on the happy thrilled side here, we suffered a loss last year.  Days before Christmas.  A week before I thought I'd be "safe" to share the news - planned for my Birthday, no less.  It was devastating, and I was naive.  We had seen the heartbeat twice, yet we still didn't make it past 12 weeks. I was heartbroken, and well just plain broken, for a long long time.



And then to save you a lot of dirty details from the journey from then to now, we were lucky enough to get a second chance. And while this road is supposed to bring you joy and ear to ear non-stop smiles, and it has, on occasion.  It's also brought tears and so many fears.  The feeling of constantly holding your breath and waiting for things to "be okay", but the thing you realize after a loss, is that it may never be okay.  When you've fallen into that tiny 2% before, you realize you could be on the other side of "that won't happen to us" again at anytime - preterm labor, still born, SIDS, car accident when they are finally old enough to drive - the worrying will never cease.  But there is a point where you need to let go and let things be... and that's where I am.  (or trying to be any way).

So here I am.  17 weeks in and finally letting the excitement slowly get to me.  We have our big anatomy scan at the end of the month and are going to wait to find out the sex until New Years Day (my birthday).  We can't wait to give the Baby a name and not call him/her "it",  though right now we call it Bouncer since at one of our many early ultrasounds it was bouncing on the yolk sac like it was an exercise ball.  Look at that, already athletic!

I have lots of posts - that I planned in my head, but never wrote - about the nursery progress, the appointments, the cloth diapers, the bump I'm starting to grow and symptoms I've felt.  All the usually "pregnant blog" type things.  I really hope I can keep the courage to share the experience because I really enjoy reading others stories.  At the same time, I'm sure as a reader it will be totally annoying to keep reading me say "IF" and "HOPEFULLY" at the beginning of every sentence, but so far it's a habit I haven't been able to break.


I also should note, I'm not really sure where the direction of this blog will go.  Since I haven't been shopping much recently (or if so it's been for totally awesome J Brand Mama J Maternity Skinny Jeans -LOVE!) which is why I haven't shared sales or wishlists, I'm not sure I'll stick with the routine shopping addict type posts.  I know I'll still continue to share my obsessions and pinterest love, obviously our home decor and reno's (since they will be bountiful), but I don't want to go full blown noting every pregnancy/mommy detail either.  I think it's something that for right now will just be there...  I hope you all stick around for the ride!


And for all of you that still actively follow along - thank you for sticking with me during my absence!

25 comments:

  1. Congrats! Thoughts & prayers for a happy & healthy remainder of the pregnancy =)

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  2. :)

    you've been in my thoughts nonstop! I didn't want to bug you though, so I've just been sending good thoughts your way!

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  3. Congratulations! Although those who have experienced losses know better how it feels to have had something and then have it ripped away, I think that ALL mothers go through the same worries that you are feeling. I am fortunate to have never suffered through a loss, but I still worry constantly about my six-month-old son. It comes with being a mother.

    Anyway, I hope that you can find some joy and happiness in this special time. It goes by so quickly!

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  4. Congratulations! I'm so glad you're back and you decided to share your news with us! Your blog was always one of my first visits! Cheers and prayers for a safe pregnancy!

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  5. I think about you and Bouncer all the time, and I'm so glad to see that you're somewhat feeling at peace enough to share your wonderful news. I'm so incredibly ecstatic for you & P - you guys are going to be great parents!

    I can't wait to see more of that bump! :)

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  6. AHHHHH! My blog roll did not update this post!! I am just so excited for you and your debut. I know it's hard but you're doing so well and I just know everything is going to work out this time. Cannot WAIT to hear if you have a he or she on the way...so so excited for you Erinn! A bump pic is definitely in demand! CONGRATS and let is all in! XOXOXO

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  7. Delurking to say congrats! Keeping you in my thoughts for Bouncer to keep cooking safely!

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  8. yay yay yayy!!!! nd the announcement pics came out AHHHHHH-MAZING!

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  9. So excited girl! And thank you for sharing these amazing news with us!

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  10. Congrats! Keeping you and the little one in my thoughts and prayers!

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  11. Congratulations! I am in almost the same boat as you (lost a first pregancy and am now almost 15 weeks along) and I find it extremely challenging to accept that everything may be ok with this one. In fact, as awful as my morning sickness has been, it's given me relief that something is happening! Anyway, wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy and many wonderful years with your family.

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  12. Congrats!! I didn't realize that having a child would be a lifetime of worry until my little one was two and I was going to be away from her for the first time. It was a rude awakening for me. It is all worth it though. So happy for you!!

    xoxo
    Janice

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  13. Oh my gosh - congratulations!!! How exciting!! :)

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  14. Oh my goodness! Congratulations! I can't imagine the heartbreak you went through but what a joy your life sounds like now. Congratulations again!!

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  15. Congratulations to you! Praying you have a smooth pregnancy and delivery.

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  16. So many happy congratulations!

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  17. Congratulations! I am so happy for you!

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  18. Oh, girl. I completely understand where you're coming from. When we get our "2nd chance" I know I'll be worried. I think it's only natural. You are going to have a very safe & healthy pregnancy this time. You and little bouncer are gong to be great!! I just know it! Congratulations to you and your family. By the way - I can't wait to see what you do with a nursery. I'm feeling lots of pendants & stripes coming up!!

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  20. congrats!!! i will keep you in my thoughts and hope everything goes smoothly for you this time around. thank you for sharing your story - i'm sure it has helped not only you, but your readers. try to stay excited :) xoxo

    a peek of chic

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  21. Congratulations E!! So, so happy for you. I had a feeling something was up :) So happy for you and this blessing.
    xoxo

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  22. I followed your blog for a while now (and also Pinterest) and been hoping for a post like this! I had an idea that you may have dealt with a loss last year and was so sad for you. So CONGRATS!!! I'm sure it is a great feeling to be past those first few hurdles, but like you said, there are always more things to worry about! Hang in there, have faith, and take care of yourself. Looking forward to many more posts about nurseries, etc!! You have great style, by the way :)

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  23. Yay Erinn! Congrats to you and your husband! Prayers and best wishes for a happy, healthy pregnancy! I can't wait to hear more about your little one! Soooo happy for you guys! And don't ever feel bad for whatever place you are in, whether it be sad, happy, scared, etc. Own your feelings and know that we've all been there in one way or another and we understand.

    Best wishes,

    Nicole

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  24. Well all right! I've been hoping things were going well and that you would have some good news. You know I am fully aware of the feelings you have. I think I was a nut job until 20 wks. Many moms-to-be begin the "countdown" in the 35th week or something, but I started it around 23 wks. I can't ever say I got Zen while pregnant, but it definitely got easier as time went on. I was either too tired to be worried or too busy prepping things to be worried for long. I have to say that I enjoyed being pregnant overall, so relax into it whenever you can. It really is a special time. And yup, it goes fast. Mini G is 3 1/2 months!

    So happy for you!!!!!!!! And the shoe pics are adorable.

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  25. Hi. I am a new follower that just discovered your blog and I had to write on this post and say Congrats and to tell you to enjoy every moment of it. I had a miscarriage a year and a half ago with our first pregnancy sometime between 5-6 weeks. I got pregnant again immediately after that (2 weeks later!) against doctors advice because I was determined not to sit for months thinking about my loss and building up more fear. That baby was born in February of this year as healthy as can be. I'm now pregnant again! with our second baby due in May. I understand every fear you have with telling people and getting too excited only to be let down again and I wish I could say it all goes away with a second pregnancy but it doesn't. What does happen though is that you become so much more grateful for everything the second and third time around. Wishing you lots of luck. Blair

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